Part of the reason, well most of the reason, why I wanted to lose weight was to be happy. Happy in my marriage, happy with my life, just a happier person all around. Sometimes life is just a big 'ole mess though, and happy is the last thing I am. This week was one of those weeks where I just wanted to hide under the covers. I had a million things to do, not enough time to do them, and to be honest, my kids are growing way too fast and I've had to deal with that reality a lot this week.
I've talked some about how my oldest, Joshua, is going to Kindergarten. As a teacher, I'm so excited for him! This is such an exciting time in his little life. He's so happy to go and make friends, he's asked once a day every day this summer when it was time for "big school".
As a mom, though, I feel like I'm losing Josh in a way. I know I sound ridiculous, but that's just the way it feels. I'm dealing with it, but I can't say right now that I'll be one of those moms throwing a party as the school bus drives away. Maybe next year, but not this year. With a husband who is gone so much with schools and training, field ops and deployments, Josh and I have become "battle buddies" over the years. Even when he was too young to remember, he was my "battle buddy". We got through all those times together.
As I lay in bed 2 nights ago with my husband telling him all of this, I realized something; I never got that time with Jake, our 2 year old. Now it's going to be Jake's turn with me. I am excited now to have this time with Jake, and to have some one-on-one time with him. That actually made things a lot better for me.
Some of you veteran moms are laughing at me right now I imagine, and that's okay. I know it sounds silly. I just love my kids to pieces and all the time that I've had with them. They are my happy. They make me laugh, smile, and love the life I live.
I'm taking the time everyday now to "find my happy". I never used to do this, and I honestly think it makes me happier. I take time to thank God for my little ones and all the things that make me happy. Sometimes there is this pressure to be this "perfect mother" when in reality, there is no perfect mom. I've come to terms with that, and now I'm on a mission to just be happy. Working out makes me happier all around, which is something I never thought I'd say. I am a happier person when I'm healthy. I'm no longer depressed, wallowing in shame like I used to. My life used to pass me by everyday, but now I feel like I'm living my life. I wished for this, prayed for this, for so long. I won't let a week ruin that. Even on my bad days, I have to have a talk with myself about "eating my emotions". I can't do that anymore. I won't allow myself to do that. I deal with my emotions, work them out, rather than making my day worse by eating myself into depression. In return, my kids learn how to deal with emotions, too.
I should have done this when I was over wight and I never did. I should have learned to embrace little moments. It was so hard back then between the depression I had and just being so unhealthy. I was happy, but to a point. I'm now learning how to really live, and how to really love. My weight loss journey wasn't just about weight, it helped me learn about life. I learned more about myself in the process than about healthy living.
What makes HarperGirl happy today?
-A sweet text message from my hubby on duty today.
-Spending the day with both of my kids.
-Putting out Halloween/Fall decor.
-Baking an afternoon healthy snack with Josh.
-Day 2 of breaking Jacob of his pacifier (the worst is behind us, yeah!!)
-Movie and snack time with Josh while Jake naps.
What makes you happy today?